Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
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Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
j o i m p
New favorite tiktok
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.