My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
You Might Also Like
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.