Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
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Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Florida be like…
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
This is my brand.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”