Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
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When you “pspspsp” too hard
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
i love meeting boys on tinder
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Beware…..
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread