Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
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Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.