HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
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[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Lmao the reply
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Netflix and awkward silence?
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are