The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
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kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
I want what they have
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”