even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
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I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Not all heroes wear capes….
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Sign of the day..
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv