Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
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“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet