In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
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Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends