We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
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Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
This cat wants you to take your pills
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Fidel Castro was alive?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.