Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
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[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep