you can know where your kitchen scissors are or you can have kids you cannot have both


people will make fun of you for believing in astrology and then be like “every hotel we ever built has no 13th floor”


me: hey bud, guess what?

4: what

me: I love you

4: not now I’m busy


Neighbor: hey Spider Man! Do you want to come over later tonight and pick out some candy?

4: ya! do I have to wear pants?

Neighbor: uhhh what?

4: I dunno my mom always asks that


Husband bought both kids lightsabers that make 7 different sounds, loudly.

It was really nice knowing you all. Hopefully I can tweet from prison.