Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
You Might Also Like
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
NSFW tweet
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Unionize your workplace
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely