Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
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I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”