I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
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people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
My Plans 2020