Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
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I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”