Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
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My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
6. me as a lawyer
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”