Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
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“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?