mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
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Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
me when the borders lift
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆