Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
You Might Also Like
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful