If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
You Might Also Like
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.