[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
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“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*