Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!