[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
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My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them