A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
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always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Beware of fowl play.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus