*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
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Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.