Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
You Might Also Like
how was your vacation
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Tony Hawk, age 6
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant