maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
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CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
I’m confused about plants
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Lassie, get help!
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.