one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
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The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.