Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
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Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.