i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
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Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.