broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
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Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
My dress code is business-casualty.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
I feel seen.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics