it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
You Might Also Like
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
This can never not be funny 😭😭
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Me in tagged photos
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017