I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
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My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Choose your fighter
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.