[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
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friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.