Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
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*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Fixed this for Shakespeare
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”