You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
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I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
yeet
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.