I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
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me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
can’t catch a break
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
We decided to have money instead of children.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also: