My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
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I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!