Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
You Might Also Like
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.