Me: What are your plans for tonight?

13: Think I’ll hang out with you and mom.

Me: Goddammit…uh I mean that’s great.


13: I have a friend that doesn’t like baseball, chocolate, or bacon.

Me: Pretty sure that’s not a friend, bro.


Thanks for being here right on time.
We’ll see you in a few hours.

– Doctors


[picking name for new puppy]

13: Pixie.

16: Rosie.

Wife: Annie.



I hate when my wife says her friend at work “got flowers again today” and I have to kill that chick’s husband.


16: My friend is coming to get something while we’re gone.

Me: Should we leave a key?

16: No, she’ll just go thru the doggie door again.


Does everyone have that ONE follower who will Fav the hell outta every RT…but wouldn’t even piss on your own tweets if they were on fire?


Their bedroom door is closed. I better walk in there for no reason.

– kids


11: You know what would be really ironic?
Me: No, what?
11: If someone died in their…living room.

The Twitter is strong in this one.