me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
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What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you