I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
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[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.