Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
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The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else