Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
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Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
😂💯
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy