The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.