@kelkulus

The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.

@kelkulus

A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.

@kelkulus

Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.

@kelkulus

The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.

@kelkulus

What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!

@kelkulus

It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”

@kelkulus

Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.

@kelkulus

I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.

@kelkulus

India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.

@kelkulus

Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.