@kelkulus

My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”

@kelkulus

Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.

@kelkulus

A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.

@kelkulus

Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.

@kelkulus

My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.

@kelkulus

Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.

@kelkulus

It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.

@kelkulus

Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.

@kelkulus

Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.