Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
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The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Everything reminds me of my ex
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I鈥檓 sorry 馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men鈥檚 room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Him: What鈥檚 in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn鈥檛 enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space