My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Nobody has 3 cats. You either have 1 or 2, but from there you leap directly to 17.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I throw birds at pig houses.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Every time God closes a door, he opens a window, thereby wasting electricity on air conditioning, causing climate change and dooming us all.
Felix Baumgartner’s 127,000 ft jump becomes world’s greatest free fall, unseating previous record set by the 2008 US Economy. #spacejump
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.