@kelkulus

My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.

@kelkulus

People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.

@kelkulus

Nobody has 3 cats. You either have 1 or 2, but from there you leap directly to 17.

@kelkulus

I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.

@kelkulus

My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I throw birds at pig houses.

@kelkulus

Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.

@kelkulus

The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?

@kelkulus

Every time God closes a door, he opens a window, thereby wasting electricity on air conditioning, causing climate change and dooming us all.

@kelkulus

Felix Baumgartner’s 127,000 ft jump becomes world’s greatest free fall, unseating previous record set by the 2008 US Economy. #spacejump

@kelkulus

I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.