baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
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doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
no their not
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
everyone’s a critic