Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
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Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.